I died... and ?!
Jan 27 2006 | Views 1602 |
Comments (14)
Yes... I died... and ?! And then what ?! Life didn’t stop...
I thought I had a long life to live. I thought I had just begun my life. I was only 32 years when I met with that gruesome accident.
I pinched myself but felt no pain. I sighed and looked around. For the first time in my life, rather after-life, I didn't know what to do.
As I sat on the parapet wall of our old house, I saw many people coming to see my dead body.
I could hear Bhagavadgita in a mellowed tone from a temple that was located at the end of our street.
I saw my parents crying. I too couldn't control my tears. But strange !!! Though the tears fell on my forearm, I didn't feel them.
I looked at my dad. He sat in one corner as he cried silently. His gaze didn’t move away from my dead body. Agony was writ all over his face. I heard someone’s choked voice saying "It must be very painful for parents to see such untimely deaths of their children… They expect them to grow and excel in life… But…"
My mom was crying inconsolably as her hands touched my face. My elder brother and younger sister were trying to console her as they fought back their tears.
I turned to my left and saw Sindhu, my wife. I had taken an oath that I would never make her cry. Now what ?! She sat like a stone as her eyes gaped at the sky.
Apoorva, my two-year old daughter, too was crying as she looked at everyone around her. My mother-in-law took her away from there, to feed her something. "Poor thing..." I said to myself as I closed my eyes.
Suddenly, I felt somebody's hand on my shoulder. I swiftly opened my eyes and turned to my right.
An angel ! Serenity personified (?). She looked at me and smiled... That was the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen. Her face looked very familiar.
She looked at me and again looked at my dead body. Then while nodding her head, she said "Hmmm... There are many who cry when you die..."
I felt a bit proud. I said "You know... There's a proverb - Live your life such that when you live, everyone around you is smiling and when you die, everyone around you is crying. I think I proved it right."
She looked at me and gave the same tranquil-filled smile and said "Actually, I thought there would be very few that would cry for you..."
Her comment silenced for a moment. But after a while, I was back to my curious self. "What made you think so ?" I asked. She didn't respond.
"I think I have seen you somewhere. May I know your name? " I asked expectantly.
She said "I think it takes time for you to get away from a few traits of your previous birth."
"Traits ?! What traits ?!" I was confused.
"Traits like striking a conversation with strangers with such questions. Last year, you approached 4 females with the same question and all of them fell into your trap." She replied with the same smile.
I kept mum. After a moment of silence I said "Yes ! Whatever I did was wrong... I'm sorry for that..."
She pointed at Sindhu and said "Look at her... She knows nothing about your romantic liaisons... She thinks you are a very loyal husband... And look at everyone over here... They all think that you are very good..."
After pausing for a moment, she turned to me and asked "Are you really good ?"
I had no answer. Oh No... I did have an answer. I said "I agree... I was not loyal to her..."
She said "Don't bother... But I'm curious to know about who is genuinely crying for you..."
I looked around and said "All those who are crying are genuinely crying for me..."
As she moved her head sideways, she said "I don't think so..."
My ego was hurt with that statement. I said "Do you mean to say that they are acting? And I don't mean anything to them ?!"
She said "Look ! Your parents are crying because they have lost their son. Your wife is crying because she has lost her husband. Your siblings are crying because they have lost a lovable brother. But after a while they will forget you. This is bound to happen."
I said in a defensive tone "Yes ! 'Forgetting something' is a gift of God. If anything bad stays permanently in our minds, then there would be no end to agony in this world."
She smiled again as her face brimmed with radiance.
She said "That's what I'm arriving at. These people are not crying genuinely. Then why are they crying ? Before you were born, your parents were happy. Then, you came into this world and moved out of it before they did. And you are making them cry. On top of that, you married Sindhu and you deserted your wife and kid too."
I said "I didn't desert her. I got my life insured for 25 lakh."
"Oh... So you think money can replace you, huh ?! Go and ask her... If you have guts..." She said as she closed her eyes.
I remembered the fight that I had with Sindhu when we discussed about my death and my life insurance. She was furious and said "Never ever speak of such things. I will die first. Only then I will let you go."
As tears welled up, I controlled myself and said "If she prefers me to money, don't you think that she's crying genuinely for me ?"
She smiled again and said "I told you its not genuine... After 3 years she would forget you and marry another person..."
I was aghast "WHAT ?!"
"Unable to digest it ?! Well... That's how life goes..."
"What would happen to Apoorva ?"
"She would get a loving father... "
I looked at Sindhu. I felt extremely uneasy assuming another person in my place.
I closed my eyes and remained silent for a long time. The angel put her hand on my forehead and said "Pensive ?"
I looked at her and said "What are you trying to convey ?"
"I told you… That I want to know about who is genuinely crying for you..." She said.
I replied "I don't know..."
She said "Think..."
I closed my eyes again. Moments of my life flashed in front of my closed eyes...
I saw how my father scolded me after we came back home from ophthalmologist's clinic. I quoted TV as one of the reasons for damaging my eyes and indirectly pointed a finger at my dad who had bought TV for our enjoyment. I fought with him and switched over to contact lens after 1 year.
I saw how I transformed from a passive smoker to a chain-smoker... I saw how I began my stint with drink and how I got addicted to it...
I saw how I lied to my parents saying that I was at friend's place studying while we had a drink party to celebrate... And the same thing continued with Sindhu too... But the reason had changed... That I was swamped with work...
I saw how I cheated on Sindhu and slept with umpteen females, whenever opportunity walked my way... I even introduced a few of them to my wife, as my friends... Shalini was one of them...
I saw how I neglected Sindhu's advises... She used to ask me to come home early so that I can spend a lot of time with Apoorva and with her... She used to ask me to drink lots of water... She used to ask me to drive slowly... She used to ask me to exercise and meditate... She used to ask me to accompany her to the temple...
But I never had time...
Many such things flashed and I felt absolutely feeble.
I gave 100 bucks to TTE to get a seat in a jam-packed train but didn't give a rupee to a blind beggar, who sang amazingly the other day.
I gave 1000 bucks to get fake medical bills but didn't heed my wife's words about health.
I threw lots of money on bar girls who danced to the jarring beats but became deaf when I was asked to donate towards a renowned orphanage.
I earned a good name… Everyone thought that I was a good person but deep down I knew what I was up to.
I remembered the way Dr. Kamala chided me when she looked at my medical reports... My kidneys had stones... My lungs were not healthy... The liquor showed its effect in my liver... I was obese... 90 KGs on a 5'10'' frame was a bit too much...
While driving back home from her clinic, I over-sped and collided with a divider. There was no scratch on my entire body except for a hole behind my head. I died...
Even medically, I was of no use...
I had lived a life that was worth nothing... There was nothing that I could boast of...
I wasted my life... I ruined it and only I was to be blamed... I missed my chance to be worthy of something...
I looked at my body... It had lived for 32 years and did nothing commendable...
I started crying... I had never wept like that in my entire life... I had realized... I had realized who would genuinely cry after my death... It was me... ME...
I felt her hand on my cheek. She said "Shaan !"
To my surprise, this time I felt the tears on my cheeks. I slowly opened my eyes.
Sindhu was looking at me with a concerned look on her face. The digital clock showed 2.50 AM.
She said "What happened ?! Had a bad dream ? Why are you crying ?"
Her eyes were ready to flow. I looked around. I looked at Apoorva. She was blissfully sleeping.
I looked at Sindhu again. She was anxious.
As she wiped my tears, I said "I’m sorry..." She didn’t say anything. She knows when to speak and when not to.
I reached forward and hugged her. After a few moments, I placed my head on her heart and closed my eyes.
Sindhu listened to everything that my silence spoke. I wept my heart out. Nothing else mattered to me at that moment. Only she could give me the kind of solace that I wanted.
We were married for more than 6 years but I had realized that the time that I had spent with her was very less.
I felt guilty... about many things that I did... and about the things that I didn’t do...
I wanted to do something before my time actually ran out... Something for the society around me, something for my family, something for my Sindhu...
As I closed my eyes and listened to her heartbeat, I had decided to lead a different life from that moment.
I had decided to give her more... More of my time, more of my happiness, more of my life, more of me...
My mobile rang. I didn't move. Sindhu attended the call with me lying on her and said "Its your friend... Shalini"
I took the phone and said "Wrong number !"
***
After a few days, the same angel came into my dream. I smiled at her and said "Thanks for everything." She too smiled.
After a few silent moments, I said "Honestly, your face does look very familiar to me."
She smiled again. As she kissed on my forehead, she said "I'm your Apoorva"
***
I thought I had a long life to live. I thought I had just begun my life. I was only 32 years when I met with that gruesome accident.
I pinched myself but felt no pain. I sighed and looked around. For the first time in my life, rather after-life, I didn't know what to do.
As I sat on the parapet wall of our old house, I saw many people coming to see my dead body.
I could hear Bhagavadgita in a mellowed tone from a temple that was located at the end of our street.
I saw my parents crying. I too couldn't control my tears. But strange !!! Though the tears fell on my forearm, I didn't feel them.
I looked at my dad. He sat in one corner as he cried silently. His gaze didn’t move away from my dead body. Agony was writ all over his face. I heard someone’s choked voice saying "It must be very painful for parents to see such untimely deaths of their children… They expect them to grow and excel in life… But…"
My mom was crying inconsolably as her hands touched my face. My elder brother and younger sister were trying to console her as they fought back their tears.
I turned to my left and saw Sindhu, my wife. I had taken an oath that I would never make her cry. Now what ?! She sat like a stone as her eyes gaped at the sky.
Apoorva, my two-year old daughter, too was crying as she looked at everyone around her. My mother-in-law took her away from there, to feed her something. "Poor thing..." I said to myself as I closed my eyes.
Suddenly, I felt somebody's hand on my shoulder. I swiftly opened my eyes and turned to my right.
An angel ! Serenity personified (?). She looked at me and smiled... That was the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen. Her face looked very familiar.
She looked at me and again looked at my dead body. Then while nodding her head, she said "Hmmm... There are many who cry when you die..."
I felt a bit proud. I said "You know... There's a proverb - Live your life such that when you live, everyone around you is smiling and when you die, everyone around you is crying. I think I proved it right."
She looked at me and gave the same tranquil-filled smile and said "Actually, I thought there would be very few that would cry for you..."
Her comment silenced for a moment. But after a while, I was back to my curious self. "What made you think so ?" I asked. She didn't respond.
"I think I have seen you somewhere. May I know your name? " I asked expectantly.
She said "I think it takes time for you to get away from a few traits of your previous birth."
"Traits ?! What traits ?!" I was confused.
"Traits like striking a conversation with strangers with such questions. Last year, you approached 4 females with the same question and all of them fell into your trap." She replied with the same smile.
I kept mum. After a moment of silence I said "Yes ! Whatever I did was wrong... I'm sorry for that..."
She pointed at Sindhu and said "Look at her... She knows nothing about your romantic liaisons... She thinks you are a very loyal husband... And look at everyone over here... They all think that you are very good..."
After pausing for a moment, she turned to me and asked "Are you really good ?"
I had no answer. Oh No... I did have an answer. I said "I agree... I was not loyal to her..."
She said "Don't bother... But I'm curious to know about who is genuinely crying for you..."
I looked around and said "All those who are crying are genuinely crying for me..."
As she moved her head sideways, she said "I don't think so..."
My ego was hurt with that statement. I said "Do you mean to say that they are acting? And I don't mean anything to them ?!"
She said "Look ! Your parents are crying because they have lost their son. Your wife is crying because she has lost her husband. Your siblings are crying because they have lost a lovable brother. But after a while they will forget you. This is bound to happen."
I said in a defensive tone "Yes ! 'Forgetting something' is a gift of God. If anything bad stays permanently in our minds, then there would be no end to agony in this world."
She smiled again as her face brimmed with radiance.
She said "That's what I'm arriving at. These people are not crying genuinely. Then why are they crying ? Before you were born, your parents were happy. Then, you came into this world and moved out of it before they did. And you are making them cry. On top of that, you married Sindhu and you deserted your wife and kid too."
I said "I didn't desert her. I got my life insured for 25 lakh."
"Oh... So you think money can replace you, huh ?! Go and ask her... If you have guts..." She said as she closed her eyes.
I remembered the fight that I had with Sindhu when we discussed about my death and my life insurance. She was furious and said "Never ever speak of such things. I will die first. Only then I will let you go."
As tears welled up, I controlled myself and said "If she prefers me to money, don't you think that she's crying genuinely for me ?"
She smiled again and said "I told you its not genuine... After 3 years she would forget you and marry another person..."
I was aghast "WHAT ?!"
"Unable to digest it ?! Well... That's how life goes..."
"What would happen to Apoorva ?"
"She would get a loving father... "
I looked at Sindhu. I felt extremely uneasy assuming another person in my place.
I closed my eyes and remained silent for a long time. The angel put her hand on my forehead and said "Pensive ?"
I looked at her and said "What are you trying to convey ?"
"I told you… That I want to know about who is genuinely crying for you..." She said.
I replied "I don't know..."
She said "Think..."
I closed my eyes again. Moments of my life flashed in front of my closed eyes...
I saw how my father scolded me after we came back home from ophthalmologist's clinic. I quoted TV as one of the reasons for damaging my eyes and indirectly pointed a finger at my dad who had bought TV for our enjoyment. I fought with him and switched over to contact lens after 1 year.
I saw how I transformed from a passive smoker to a chain-smoker... I saw how I began my stint with drink and how I got addicted to it...
I saw how I lied to my parents saying that I was at friend's place studying while we had a drink party to celebrate... And the same thing continued with Sindhu too... But the reason had changed... That I was swamped with work...
I saw how I cheated on Sindhu and slept with umpteen females, whenever opportunity walked my way... I even introduced a few of them to my wife, as my friends... Shalini was one of them...
I saw how I neglected Sindhu's advises... She used to ask me to come home early so that I can spend a lot of time with Apoorva and with her... She used to ask me to drink lots of water... She used to ask me to drive slowly... She used to ask me to exercise and meditate... She used to ask me to accompany her to the temple...
But I never had time...
Many such things flashed and I felt absolutely feeble.
I gave 100 bucks to TTE to get a seat in a jam-packed train but didn't give a rupee to a blind beggar, who sang amazingly the other day.
I gave 1000 bucks to get fake medical bills but didn't heed my wife's words about health.
I threw lots of money on bar girls who danced to the jarring beats but became deaf when I was asked to donate towards a renowned orphanage.
I earned a good name… Everyone thought that I was a good person but deep down I knew what I was up to.
I remembered the way Dr. Kamala chided me when she looked at my medical reports... My kidneys had stones... My lungs were not healthy... The liquor showed its effect in my liver... I was obese... 90 KGs on a 5'10'' frame was a bit too much...
While driving back home from her clinic, I over-sped and collided with a divider. There was no scratch on my entire body except for a hole behind my head. I died...
Even medically, I was of no use...
I had lived a life that was worth nothing... There was nothing that I could boast of...
I wasted my life... I ruined it and only I was to be blamed... I missed my chance to be worthy of something...
I looked at my body... It had lived for 32 years and did nothing commendable...
I started crying... I had never wept like that in my entire life... I had realized... I had realized who would genuinely cry after my death... It was me... ME...
I felt her hand on my cheek. She said "Shaan !"
To my surprise, this time I felt the tears on my cheeks. I slowly opened my eyes.
Sindhu was looking at me with a concerned look on her face. The digital clock showed 2.50 AM.
She said "What happened ?! Had a bad dream ? Why are you crying ?"
Her eyes were ready to flow. I looked around. I looked at Apoorva. She was blissfully sleeping.
I looked at Sindhu again. She was anxious.
As she wiped my tears, I said "I’m sorry..." She didn’t say anything. She knows when to speak and when not to.
I reached forward and hugged her. After a few moments, I placed my head on her heart and closed my eyes.
Sindhu listened to everything that my silence spoke. I wept my heart out. Nothing else mattered to me at that moment. Only she could give me the kind of solace that I wanted.
We were married for more than 6 years but I had realized that the time that I had spent with her was very less.
I felt guilty... about many things that I did... and about the things that I didn’t do...
I wanted to do something before my time actually ran out... Something for the society around me, something for my family, something for my Sindhu...
As I closed my eyes and listened to her heartbeat, I had decided to lead a different life from that moment.
I had decided to give her more... More of my time, more of my happiness, more of my life, more of me...
My mobile rang. I didn't move. Sindhu attended the call with me lying on her and said "Its your friend... Shalini"
I took the phone and said "Wrong number !"
***
After a few days, the same angel came into my dream. I smiled at her and said "Thanks for everything." She too smiled.
After a few silent moments, I said "Honestly, your face does look very familiar to me."
She smiled again. As she kissed on my forehead, she said "I'm your Apoorva"
***
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